Sometimes we are affected so deeply by what another person has done to us that it actually integrates itself into our psyche. It's like an inauthentic voice in our head that screams so loud that we forget we have our own voice. These experiences can come from our childhood and the way our parents influenced us. They can be experiences with past lovers, spouses, friends and even co-workers. Sometimes, we may not even be aware of the experiences that caused it because it's been so long we know no other way to think.
So, what does this voice sound like? It sounds like a bully... it is our own internal bully. When we are starting to fly high it knocks us down. It's the voice that talks you out of your own happiness because surely you don't deserve it. It's the voice that says we can't do something we want to do or that we will fail. I think everyone has this bully in their head, but some definitely struggle with it more than others. So, what do we do about it?
The answer is to forgive.
As I'm struggling with this idea of forgiveness I have learned that although it is important to forgive the people who hurt you, it's more important to forgive ourselves. I have been actively working on forgiving people who were unkind to me, who should have loved me, who in my darkest moments refused to share their light. And I have one thing to say about it.... it's hard. Like, really, really, really hard. Some of the people I have struggled to forgive are also the closest to me. It's hard to forgive someone when you are reminded of their actions on a regular basis.
But, as I am on this journey of forgiveness, the most important thing that I've come to realize is that I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive myself for letting those people hurt me. I forgive myself for feeling anger towards them and sadness too. I forgive myself for struggling to forgive! Ultimately, forgiveness is something that takes time. As I peel the layers of these feelings back from the pain in my heart I start to feel liberated. I start to feel love again. So, forgive yourself first... you were just a child, you were in love, you were trying your best. Forgive yourself for allowing someone that much power over your life and take that power back. Once you start to forgive yourself, you can work on forgiving others and never......NEVER..... look back!
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